Prior To Adopting, A Couple Unites 80 Extended Family Members To Discuss Racism Within Adoption
Imagine this:
You text your family and friends and say “We’ve begun the process to adopt!” They respond with excitement. And then your next text says “…and if you want to be in that child’s life, you are required to attend a 2-hour virtual workshop about racism, child-welfare and the history of adoption. And before that, you’ll need to watch a documentary about a transracial adoptee who searched for and found her birth mother in her twenties. Let me know if you’re in.” 80 responses came back - “Yes. I’m in! Send the link.”
Can you imagine?
This happened. And it was the highlight of my 2020! A white couple who hasn’t yet adopted a child hired me to present a 2-hour workshop for them and their aunts, uncles, in-laws, grandparents, cousins, siblings and close friends. They decided that anyone who was going to play a significant role in the child’s life must understand that love alone, is not enough to raise a healthy and happy adoptee. They asked me to lead their community through discussions about the role of white supremacy within the child-welfare system, topics of colorism and implicit biases.
The zoom call began with friendly banter and social niceties through the awkwardness of Zoom; “Hi Barb! You are my cousin, right?” “Aunt Jane! I haven’t seen you in ages. How’s work going?” 2-hours later, the session ended with “I’m going to think about all of the other people in my life - are the nurses and doctor’s at my doctor’s office predominantly white?” and “I never realized the television shows that I watch tend to show people of color in stereotypical ways. I’m going to pay closer attention to this.” And “Gosh, I just hadn’t really thought about how difficult it must be for a birth mother to even get to the point of needing someone else to raise their child.”
Having known many of the folks who attended for decades, I expected that their first encounter with the fact that adoption is not an unmitigated joy would be difficult, and that it could inspire feelings of defensiveness. There probably is some of that, but watching the faces on the webinar, I saw openness at their growing awareness of how complex adoption is, and hopefully the beginning strains of a family that sees the whole child and values the needs and feelings of the child’s birth family as much as ours (or more!).
— Prospective adoptive dad (who hired me for this event)
It is rare for me to get through a single workshop without a healthy dose of defensiveness or predatory listeners, however this group was oozing with respect and a genuine curiosity to learning about the complexities of transracial adoption. They were open to having their worldview and perspective changed in acknowledging that adoption is not a simple fairy-tale. Those are the traits that give me solace for future adoptees.
It was humbling and inspiring to witness you leading our family to the recognition that love and sincere empathy, while wonderful and necessary ingredients, cannot by themselves overcome centuries of racism and white supremacy. Only lots of new and hard work can help overcome it, and even that is not something that can be checked off through just doing the right thing.
— Prospective Adoptive Mother (and the person who hired me)
In my 15 years of working with adoptive families I cannot recall a time when a couple showed this level of proactivity in protecting an adoptee from as many adoption-related microaggressions within the family as possible. During a year rife with performative activism, this was such a clear display of action, commitment and accountability by white people. I’m here for it! Learn more about this workshop HERE.
UPDATE: This workshop is now only available to transracial adoptive families (families who haven’t yet adopted are no longer eligible.)
Bravo and Happy New Year!